With the razors that I found from years past
When 2 were too dull to break the vessels, I thought I wasn’t trying hard enough
And just pushed and pushed
Then later with the third with just as much force
So much force was not needed
Even though I have not partaken in many years, I made no promises
I would never hold a promise not to hurt myself to someone else
I don’t need to stop hurting myself
I need to stop feeling so horrid that I would resort to this
When the clock turned to twelve on a new year I was cleaning last years wounds
Work moved about a month ago so I have to commute there; it’s far from a walking distance now. Luckily, at least, I work less now. Less meaning instead of 7 shifts a week I work 6, but it’s nicer.
I don’t want to do anything though, no video games, no computer games, no effort
I don’t even want to eat
I really wish a had a significant other…
Someone who would actually want to see me if only for an hour before I’d have to work
But of course I have to like all these straight and/or taken guys…
I am just turning into a big loser
I have to put so much effort into being happy and I get little results
There are plenty of less noticeable ways to do it
I think I might be starting to get clinically depressed…
If I’m lucky, I SEE a friend once a month, not even hang out, just see them
I’ve just been working so much and when I’m not working I’m just so…so tired…I want to see my friends on my one real day off but I’m always just so tired and they’re always busy…
For a few months I’ve been trying to get a dog, but I barely care anymore…I barely care about anything, I’m just so tired
I’ve even gotten some really bad urges to hurt myself again, although (maybe) luckily I’ve always been in a situation where I couldn’t do anything more than claw my arms a little…
None of my friends care about seeing me anymore…they probably think I don’t care either…
Maybe I could work less, but I need to money, and I only get minimum wage…
Ha, I’m only 19 years old and my work is already taking over my life…
You really like this boy
But you’re a boy
And he doesn’t like boys like that
But he’s just so damn amazing
And you both get along so well
And you’re just so happy to be with him
What do you do…
And every time I talk to him I end up liking him even more
We actually have so much in common
We agree on almost everything morally
We have some things that we both really like, like dogs and Zelda
He is absolutely ridiculously nice
We actually talk
Like
We can spend half an hour jut talking, about so many things, and it’s so mutual
Whenever one topic is done one of us would bring up something else
He is so god damn understanding and generous
God
It just really sucks
Because I’m almost positive he’s straight…
I still want to tell him though, I like him too much to risk regretting it…
But I constantly find myself with crossed arms, gripping myself with my nails so that I feel it sting
And it’s so comforting…
But this time, I think I’ll keep it all to myself
No one to tell me what I’m doing is wrong or trying to guilt me
No one to judge me and pity me
This physical sensation is what keeps me together and sane
If I’m ever going to stop it’s going to be because I don’t need it anymore
I am not going to stop for anyone but myself
I will never let myself be ashamed of my scars.