Pride and Shame

With the razors that I found from years past When 2 were too...

Tue, 01 Jan 2013 02:07:59 -0500

With the razors that I found from years past
When 2 were too dull to break the vessels, I thought I wasn’t trying hard enough
And just pushed and pushed
Then later with the third with just as much force
So much force was not needed
Even though I have not partaken in many years, I made no promises
I would never hold a promise not to hurt myself to someone else
I don’t need to stop hurting myself
I need to stop feeling so horrid that I would resort to this

When the clock turned to twelve on a new year I was cleaning...

Tue, 01 Jan 2013 00:23:04 -0500

When the clock turned to twelve on a new year I was cleaning last years wounds

holy shit he’s too amazing He’s the nicest guy I’ve ever met and he’s so...

Wed, 29 Aug 2012 20:11:54 -0400

holy shit he’s too amazing

He’s the nicest guy I’ve ever met and he’s so sincere

I agree with almost everything with him

I love being around him

I love hearing him talk

Hearing what he has to say

I love his attitude

He’s just so happy, and if he ever gets mad he acknowledges it and doesn’t blow things out of proportion

He’s one of the few people that I actually admire

I wish he could have just given me a striahgtforward “I’m not inerested in you” when I told him I liked him

Instead of “I’m flattered” and smiling and laughing while looking away

That’s a lie

I really wish I had a chance with him because he’s so amazing

The way we got lost in conversation, I can’t do that with anyone else

I can’t just sit there and listen to someone talk and be so happy

I get really nervous around him at times

Especially when we make eye contact

Today I learned that he had beautiful hazel eyes

Oh my god I wasn’t prepared

I wanted to kiss him

I couldn’t and I wouldn’t but I wanted to

I just don’t know what to do

Personal update

Thu, 19 Jul 2012 02:19:55 -0400

Work moved about a month ago so I have to commute there; it’s far from a walking distance now. Luckily, at least, I work less now. Less meaning instead of 7 shifts a week I work 6, but it’s nicer.
I don’t want to do anything though, no video games, no computer games, no effort
I don’t even want to eat
I really wish a had a significant other…
Someone who would actually want to see me if only for an hour before I’d have to work
But of course I have to like all these straight and/or taken guys…
I am just turning into a big loser
I have to put so much effort into being happy and I get little results

Just because I'm not cutting doesn't mean I'm not hurting myself

Fri, 06 Jul 2012 00:08:33 -0400

There are plenty of less noticeable ways to do it

I think I might be starting to get clinically depressed… If I’m lucky, I SEE a friend...

Sat, 16 Jun 2012 01:25:24 -0400

I think I might be starting to get clinically depressed…
If I’m lucky, I SEE a friend once a month, not even hang out, just see them
I’ve just been working so much and when I’m not working I’m just so…so tired…I want to see my friends on my one real day off but I’m always just so tired and they’re always busy…
For a few months I’ve been trying to get a dog, but I barely care anymore…I barely care about anything, I’m just so tired
I’ve even gotten some really bad urges to hurt myself again, although (maybe) luckily I’ve always been in a situation where I couldn’t do anything more than claw my arms a little…
None of my friends care about seeing me anymore…they probably think I don’t care either…
Maybe I could work less, but I need to money, and I only get minimum wage…
Ha, I’m only 19 years old and my work is already taking over my life…

What do you do when

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 01:41:24 -0400

You really like this boy
But you’re a boy
And he doesn’t like boys like that
But he’s just so damn amazing
And you both get along so well
And you’re just so happy to be with him
What do you do…

There's this guy that I like

Wed, 16 May 2012 22:36:40 -0400

And every time I talk to him I end up liking him even more
We actually have so much in common
We agree on almost everything morally
We have some things that we both really like, like dogs and Zelda
He is absolutely ridiculously nice
We actually talk
Like
We can spend half an hour jut talking, about so many things, and it’s so mutual
Whenever one topic is done one of us would bring up something else
He is so god damn understanding and generous
God
It just really sucks
Because I’m almost positive he’s straight…
I still want to tell him though, I like him too much to risk regretting it…

Lately I haven't had any real urges to hurt myself

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 19:21:00 -0400

But I constantly find myself with crossed arms, gripping myself with my nails so that I feel it sting

And it’s so comforting…

So I'm starting to hurt myself again

Sun, 25 Mar 2012 20:11:40 -0400

But this time, I think I’ll keep it all to myself

No one to tell me what I’m doing is wrong or trying to guilt me

No one to judge me and pity me

This physical sensation is what keeps me together and sane

If I’m ever going to stop it’s going to be because I don’t need it anymore

I am not going to stop for anyone but myself

I will never let myself be ashamed of my scars.

fo the first time in my life, I got hate

Sun, 18 Mar 2012 22:11:23 -0400

And I could have had a lt of people defending me and taking interest in me

But I did not post it

Because they were not anonymous, and I didn’t want to start anything

and it wasn’t exactly hate, I hurt someones feelings unintentionally and they responded aggressively

sorry.

I never want anyone to know that it was me who said that thing on anonymous that made them so happy.

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 14:33:00 -0400

I feel like if they knew it was me, if wouldn’t mean anything to them…

So I don’t say anything, just hoping that they hold on to the happy feeling…

So, there's are 3 guys I like, but there's a "issue" with each of them.

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 22:19:00 -0500

Guy 1. I’ve liked this guy for over 5 years and he knows it and we’re still best bros and all but he’s more-or-less straight and in a committed relationship with someone else right now. I really think he’s my “soul mate”, but I really doubt I’m his.

Guy 2. Another one of my best friends, I haven’t known him long, but he’s really nice and I guess you could say submissive? He’s the type to apologize frantically over anything and go to great lengths not to offend someone. I’m honestly too scared to actually even try to date him because I do not want a serious relationship and all I can think about is how much he’d be hurt when his first relationship ended. I really don’t want to hurt him…

Guy 3. One of my sister’s friends and he’s probably about 4 years older than me. He’s scruffy, a lot taller, and basically all around more masculine. I usually am not in the slightest attracted to people like him, but he’s just so insanely nice and super friendly and all that stuff. And I was told by my sister that he actually did/does (not sure?) like me, but that’s when he thought I was a girl. And honestly, people mistake me for a girl all the time and it’s not really a big deal, but it kind of is when some guy I like likes me but he’s straight and just thought I was a girl…

He is also in a serious relationship.

Well tumblr, this is my love life problem.

There are two big reaons why I'd always cut on my outer arms.

Sat, 25 Feb 2012 20:33:00 -0500

I was scared of cutting a major vein.
my arm hair makes the scars practically invisible.

Now, if you look really close, you can see a lot of shiny lines under my arm hair.

My first tattoo, still bloody; the triforce from Legend of Zelda...

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 23:39:00 -0500

My first tattoo, still bloody; the triforce from Legend of Zelda with the corresponding goddess symbols. Posting it here because I want to surprise my friends when they see it.

It’s a little awkward but the reason I was able to sit there calmly watching them tattoo me without any sign of pain was because of all the times I’ve hurt myself.

I just pretended it was me causing the pain and I was okay.

Also I psychologically detached my arm a bit, it took me a while to remember how to move it…

I can’t stop biting myself…

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 20:24:00 -0500

I can’t stop biting myself…

whenever I want help, I just feel like a burden to everyone…

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 20:05:00 -0500

whenever I want help, I just feel like a burden to everyone…

All my friends are happy and having a wonderful day I’m sitting here giving it my all not to...

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 20:03:00 -0500

All my friends are happy and having a wonderful day

I’m sitting here giving it my all not to hurt myself even more

And when I try to talk to one of them

They rarely answer and when they do it’s short little things

I don’t blame them at all, I just want some help…

all I want to do right now is cut, so I’m biting myself and outlining the marks in hopes of...

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 19:57:00 -0500

all I want to do right now is cut, so I’m biting myself and outlining the marks in hopes of keeping the urge at bay..

outline of bite marks

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 19:42:00 -0500

outline of bite marks